One of the things I try to encourage in my store is for runners - new and seasoned - to find the fun their run. I work with them to find shoes that feel great out of the box rather than choosing shoes based off an extensive gait analysis, which I’m learning is a mildly controversial choice for a ‘run specialty store.’ It appears some people actually want me to tell them what shoes they should be wearing and what insoles they should be putting inside them. My recommendation : choose something that feels fun or looks good or whatever it is that will motivate you to get out the door. For me it’s both of those things. I feel the same way about choosing running apparel - some people prefer to run in the free race tee they got six years ago, however, I’ve always found so much joy in picking out my run outfit, sometimes I’m a little disappointed I have to change out of it.

The store has officially been open for 4 months now, one whole fiscal quarter, and I’m also wondering when, if ever, does it get easier? Do the ups and downs eventually get a little less extreme? Will I ever not get anxiety when I see the UPS guy who may or may not be delivering an order I forgot I placed?

I originally thought about titling this ‘failing up’ because I constantly, always feel like I’m failing. Somewhere. I have a not awesome relationship with money in the sense that I carry a lot of guilt, like I always need to be saving more and whatever I do save is never enough. As soon as I feel ‘comfortable’ with my spending, or the number in my bank account, or god forbid just generally not stressed, something happens that inevitably checks me back into place. Pre-store it might have be a credit card bill higher than expected, last week it was discovering I had somehow forgotten to pay every single invoice with one of our (luckily) smaller shoe brands.

As soon as one aspect of my life gets comfortable, it seems as though that’s when it blows up. The guard goes down; cue the explosion. If it’s not money, it’s relationships. Or motherhood. I even feel like I’m failing our cats now that my butt isn’t planted on the couch 5 days a week.

My anxiety has been off the charts these past few weeks, triggered by a change in the birth control medication I was taking. Little did I know I would be sensitive to the smallest increase in estrogen, causing a histamine reaction in my body that would make me feel crazy. For two weeks it’s felt as though I couldn’t breathe, not sure if I should trust my body or my brain. I’m now on the path toward feeling better but doing so via acupuncture, eliminating caffeine (as much as possible) and a diet focusing on low histamine foods.

Last week I lost temper during a meeting and slammed my laptop shut (it was on Zoom). Not my finest moment but also not entirely my fault. Had the store not been open, I would have put on a rap-centric playlist and gone for a run, to clear my head and hold space for all the emotions flooding my body. Instead I tried my hardest not to cry (who wants to buy shoes from someone sobbing?), called a friend and asked her to remind me that I’m not the failure I felt like.

It’s an interesting experience, ‘failing’ these days. While she reminded me that I am, in fact not a failure, I still felt more failure than not because the reality was I had made an error, dropped the ball in an area I was just starting to feel comfortable in. I didn’t fail fail, because the store didn’t close, the invoices got paid, and it looks like I might squeak by with barely enough money to pay the rest of the bills this month. I also learned something in the process, ergo the concept of failing up. I failed, or felt like I failed, but inevitably came out a little further ahead than where I started because I know more now than I did then.

Running is sort of the same. Even the shittiest of runs or shittiest of races, DNF’s, Ubering home 6 miles into a 12 mile training run, whatever, something is still learned. More knowledge added to the bank. It sucks in the moment, and honestly sucks even after the moment, but eventually, hopefully we learn from our mistakes. Food that was eaten that shouldn’t have been, hydration strategies tweaked, shoes burned whatever. Even a nagging sore achilles is room for growth, or at least that’s what I’m hoping. I saw my PT today and have been told to take the week off of anything high impact (running) to ‘rest’. I’ve been having this issue since the summer and it just won’t completely go away.

Is this what they mean by ‘growth mindset’? Probably not, but who the fuck knows.

So far this year has been a dumpster fire. Between climate disasters during a time of climate denial, our democracy possibly being dismantled before our very eyes, and just the general stress that comes with the anxiety of being on a roller coaster ride you can’t get off of, now more than ever we need the space that running affords us. Space to either be amongst like minded friends, or space to be alone with our thoughts and maybe even cry a little (or lot). After the aforementioned meeting last week where I wanted to cry but couldn’t, I jokingly posted to instagram that I wanted to make a ‘crying & running’ t-shirt. Well, jokes aside, the t-shirts are getting made. Want one? You can preorder here.

If you see someone else wearing one running towards you, stop and hug it out. Because we’re all in this together.

*k